Why It’s So Hard to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship (and Why That Doesn’t Make Us Weak)

Have you ever asked yourself:

“Why can’t I leave—even when I know it’s not healthy?”

I have. And if you’ve asked that question too, there’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re not broken. You’re not weak.

You’re human. And as humans, we’re wired for connection, even when that connection becomes harmful.

If you’ve lived through an emotionally abusive relationship, this might sound familiar:

• Tension builds. We start walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger an outburst.

  
  

• The explosion comes. Maybe it’s yelling. Maybe it’s threats. Or maybe it’s silence that stretches for days.

  
  

• Then comes reconciliation. Suddenly, the storm has blown over and they’re kind again. Apologetic. Gentle. Or at the very least they are acting like nothing happened.

  
  

• Calm returns. For a little while, things feel okay. Until the cycle starts all over again.

  
  

We know it’s painful. We might even know it’s abusive. But what we may not realize is that our bodies are caught up in the cycle too.

That cycle doesn’t just impact our heart. It impacts our hormones. And those hormones create something called a trauma bond—a deep, confusing attachment that makes leaving feel almost impossible.

Let me walk you through what happens in the body during each phase:

Tension Phase

This is when cortisol, the stress hormone, floods our system. We’re on high alert. Our heart races. We scan their tone, body language, and facial expression, trying to stay one step ahead. Over time, this state of stress can start to feel like our new normal. We find ourselves constantly scanning, constantly on alert.

Explosion Phase

When the outburst happens, cortisol spikes again, but this time along with adrenaline. That’s the body’s fight-flight-freeze (or fawn) response kicking in. We might shut down. We might appease to avoid further harm. This isn’t about weakness or passivity. It’s survival.

Reconciliation Phase

Then after all that tension and fear comes the relief. The apology. The affection. And with it, a surge of dopamine. Dopamine is a feel-good hormone. And after so much stress, any kindness feels like a lifeline. We start associating that hit of relief with love, even when it’s tangled up in pain.

Calm (Honeymoon) Phase

If there’s affection or intimacy, we release oxytocin which is the bonding hormone. This is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. It deepens our connection. Even if that connection is to someone who continues to hurt us.

So if you’ve ever wondered why it’s so hard to leave, here’s the reason:

It’s not just emotional. It’s biological.

And the more we go through the cycle, the more tightly we become bonded. Not because we’re weak, but because as human beings we are wired for connection.

Our nervous system is trying to make sense of chaos. It’s trying to keep us safe in the only way it knows how.

If any of this hits home, please hear this:

There is nothing wrong with us for finding it hard to walk away. That stuck feeling makes sense when we understand what’s happening inside our bodies.

But we can learn a new and different way.

We can start to calm our bodies. We can retrain our brains to recognize real love. We can break free—not just from the relationship, but from the patterns of confusion and blame.

If this felt like something you've been trying to understand for a long time, let's talk it through together.

Book a free Next Step Strategy Session with me. We’ll talk through what’s been happening and what kind of support might be helpful for you right now.

There’s no perfect time to reach out—just the right time for you. And if that’s now, I’m here.