When Forgiveness Feels Like Starting Over: The Hidden Cost in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

A client recently said something that’s stayed with me:

“I’ve forgiven him more times than I can count. And each time, I pray this will be the one that sticks. But then I find myself right back in the same spot—hurting, hoping, trying again.”

If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you may recognize this cycle.

Forgive. Hope. Hurt. Repeat.

What I’ve come to realize is:

In abusive or toxic relationships, forgiveness often becomes a revolving door.

We’re taught in our faith to forgive seventy times seven. We hear scriptures like “keep no record of wrongs” and “lay down your life” as Christ did. And so, we do. Again and again. We open our heart, offer grace, and pray that love will be enough to change him.

But no one talks about what it does to a woman’s soul when forgiveness keeps costing her safety, dignity, and peace.

The Misunderstood Role of Forgiveness in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

True forgiveness is powerful. It can heal hearts, release bitterness, and bring peace to our spirit. But it was never meant to silence your pain, shrink your voice, or delay necessary consequences.

In emotionally abusive relationships, forgiveness is often used against us. It becomes a tool of spiritual manipulation—by others or even by ourselves. We think we’re doing the “right” thing by staying, by hoping, by turning the other cheek. But instead of peace, we find ourselves exhausted, overwhelmed, confused, and lonely, even when others are around.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened and it doesn’t mean tolerating or allowing ongoing harm.

What Forgiveness Can Sound Like

Sometimes, forgiveness is soft. Sometimes, it’s fierce. Sometimes, it sounds like this:

• “I release you... and I’m still leaving.”

• “I can forgive you... and still need distance.”

• “I’ve forgiven... but I no longer tolerate the behavior.”

Because forgiveness and boundaries are not opposites. They’re partners. One heals your heart. The other protects it.

If forgiving him keeps putting you right back in the line of fire, it’s not only okay to step away—it may be the most loving choice you can make for yourself and your children.

When Forgiveness Feels More Like Surrendering Yourself

If you’re stuck in the cycle of hurt → forgive → hope → hurt again: You’re not crazy and you’re not weak

You’ve likely been told your whole life that forgiveness is always the answer. That it’s the only “right” thing to do. But rarely has anyone told you that real forgiveness isn’t about excusing harm or pretending it didn’t cost you something.

Real forgiveness doesn’t require staying in harm’s way. It doesn’t mean handing someone unlimited access to your heart, your mind, your body, or your home.

Forgiveness should never feel like starting over and wiping the slate clean. It should feel like moving forward.

You Deserve More Than a Revolving Door

If you’re navigating forgiveness in an emotionally abusive relationship, I want to remind you:

• You’re allowed to forgive and leave.

• You’re allowed to forgive and set a boundary.

• You’re allowed to forgive and never go back.

Your safety, dignity, and peace matter. Forgiveness is a step toward freedom, not a sentence to keep suffering.

And if you're wrestling with what forgiveness looks like, that’s okay. These are heavy decisions. You don’t have to figure it out all at once or alone.

Want to talk through what real forgiveness could look like for you? Book a free 20-minute Next Step Strategy Session.

You’re not too broken. You’re not too far gone. There is another way forward and it starts with telling yourself the truth.