Is It Really Getting Better? Or Is It Just Another Round of False Hope?

When you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, the hardest moments aren't always the blowups. Sometimes, the hardest part is the quiet—when things start to feel calm, and you wonder:

Is this real change… or just the eye of the storm?

“He’s saying all the right things. Why do I still feel uneasy?”

I hear this often in coaching calls with Christian women who are doing everything they can to keep their marriage intact without losing themselves in the process.

One client recently told me:

“He’s been helping around the house, saying sorry more, even talking about going to counseling. But I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I can’t tell if it’s getting better or if I’m just falling for it again.”

That hesitation makes sense. When we’ve lived through cycles of abuse, hope and fear often show up together.

Lundy Bancroft’s Warning Signs: “I’m changing… but you don’t feel it.”

In his book "Why Does He Do That?", author Lundy Bancroft outlines the exact behaviors that can look like change—but are really just part of the manipulation cycle.

If you’re seeing some of these, it may not be true growth:

• He says he can change—if you change too.

• He needs your support, reassurance, and forgiveness before he can improve.

• He pressures you to abandon your boundaries or break.

• He criticizes you for not trusting him “enough” yet.

• He reminds you of how “bad” he used to be, as if you owe him gratitude.

• He tells you you’re taking too long to forgive or trust again.

• He keeps saying, “I’m changing,”—but something in you still feels off.

These behaviors don’t signal accountability. They’re subtle ways of keeping control.

So how do we know it’s real?

Here’s what we’ve learned through experience:

• Real change doesn’t rush you.

• Real change doesn’t demand credit.

• Real change doesn’t require emotional caretaking to keep going.

If he’s truly growing, you’ll feel safer, not more confused. And your body will often tell you the truth before your brain can make sense of it.

You don’t have to figure this by yourself.

If you’re sitting with the question, “Is he really changing or just pretending?”—I’d like to offer a safe space to talk it through.

Schedule Your Free Next Step Strategy Session

No pressure. Just clarity, compassion, and a chance to listen to what you know deep down.

Your doubt isn’t disloyal—it’s wisdom.

You’ve been through too much to ignore your gut. You get to wait for the fruit—not just believe the words.

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