People-pleasing is like the art of bending over backward to make everyone happy, even if it means ignoring what you really want. It's that habit of saying "yes" to everything, afraid to rock the boat and risk disappointing others. People-pleasers often put others' needs above their own, sometimes to the point of neglecting themselves. It's like having a superpower for keeping the peace, but at the cost of our own happiness.
As someone on the journey of recovering from people-pleasing, I want to share with you some things I’ve learned about this “superpower” that may help you in the journey to letting go of the need to people-please.
Being Rejected. Getting a “no” is never fun. But, holding onto something that isn’t what we want or not aligned with our core values simply drags out the process of getting to what we truly want in our lives. Saying “no” makes it safe for our “heck yeses” in life.
Plans Falling Through. Sometimes what seems like a setback might turn out to be just what we needed. The outcome of our story is still unknown, but there may be surprises that unfold in unexpected ways. Us people-pleasers also often have perfectionistic and controlling tendencies too. If a plan doesn’t work out the way we initially intended, how can that be a good thing?
Making Mistakes. Not making mistakes? Probably means we are not pushing our limits enough to grow. Mistakes come with the territory of stepping outside our comfort zone – it's like a sign we are doing something right!
Conflicts/Arguments. Conflict can be uncomfortable but sometimes necessary. After years of avoiding conflict at all costs, I’ve learned it’s an opportunity to understand both ourselves and the other person better.
People-pleasing is a coping mechanism that many of us learned in childhood to protect ourselves. It’s not bad or wrong, but something that as adults hinders our progress to where we want to go in life.
The process of unlearning people-pleasing patterns can look like:
Setting Boundaries: Clearly define our limits and learning to say "no".
Self-Reflection: Understanding the roots of our people-pleasing tendencies through journaling.
Prioritize Yourself: Shift the focus from others' approval to our own approval.
Practice Assertiveness: Communicate our needs and opinions with confidence and respect without fear of others anger.
Mindfulness Techniques: Embrace mindfulness to stay present and make decisions aligned with our values.
Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate accomplishments independent of external validation. (THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT!) We are super good at beating ourselves down and don’t lift ourselves up enough.
Seek Support: Share our journey with friends, family, or a therapist for guidance and encouragement who are safe and will lift us up and validate us.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Counteract self-limiting beliefs with positive affirmations and realistic perspectives.
Learn to Tolerate Discomfort: Accept that not everyone will always be happy, and that's okay.
Explore Personal Passions: Engage in activities that bring US joy, regardless of others' opinions.
Questions for reflection: What situations trigger my people-pleasing tendencies? How does people-pleasing impact my overall well-being? Do I prioritize others' opinions over my own desires and needs?